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“You have arrived at this page because somewhere deep inside you — beneath the scar tissue, beneath the decades of disappointment, beneath the coaching carousels and the missed field goals and the trades that looked good in April — there is a fan who still believes. We salute you.”

What You Actually Get

Fuller content of the day’s top stories — for all 32 NFL teams, every single day.

Free subscribers see the front page headlines and teasers, team by team. All-Access subscribers get the full articles — every story, complete, delivered to your inbox every day, for every NFL team in the network, not just this one. Same articles. Just longer. Fuller. The whole thing. No “keep reading.”

Plus Seven Weeks of Bonus Content.
One Per Week. Every Cycle. Every Team.

Every All-Access subscriber gets one bonus content piece per week, every week, rotating through all seven formats — and it is not limited to one team. Your subscription unlocks the full Bonus Content library across all 32 NFL team sites in the network. Here is exactly what that looks like on the Bengals page specifically — the full thing, live, right here, so you know exactly what you are getting before you spend a single dime.

Week One — You Get This
Real Fake Trivia Game

A full Jeopardy-style board built entirely around your team’s history, lore, disasters, and occasional moments of glory. Four categories. Five clues each. $200 through $1,000. The $1,000 questions are genuinely hard. We verified every fact. We are not kidding about that part. Click on any one of the boxes and start the game!

The Who Dey File The Freezer Bowl File The Taylor Retention Twice to the Brink
$200$200$200$200
$400$400$400$400
$600$600$600$600
$800$800$800$800
$1,000$1,000$1,000$1,000

That’s Week One. Next week you get this →

Week Two — You Get This
Classified Ads

Nine satirical classified ads, three columns, all team-specific. FOR SALE. WANTED. LOST & FOUND. HELP WANTED. ANNOUNCEMENT. NOTICE. PERSONALS. OBITUARIES. The CONTACT line is always the punchline. Always.

For Sale

One (1) Defense — 31st in Yards, 30th in Points, Priced to Move

The 2025 Bengals defense ranked 31st in yards allowed and 30th in points allowed across the NFL. The offense scored 30-plus points four times and lost all four games. The defense was present for all four losses. Al Golden is returning for a second season as defensive coordinator. The Bengals have expressed confidence in this arrangement. Who Dey Nation has filed the confidence statement without comment.

ContactA. Golden. He is the defensive coordinator. He was the defensive coordinator last year. The defense ranked 31st. He is the defensive coordinator again. The Bengals are confident.
Wanted

Joe Burrow — Healthy, Full Season, All 17 Games, No Exceptions

Burrow missed 10 of 17 games in 2025. The Bengals went 6–11. When Burrow played, the offense ranked 6th in net passing yards and led the AFC in touchdown pass percentage. When Burrow did not play, the defense ranked 31st in yards allowed. Both facts are related. Both facts are on file. Who Dey Nation has memorized both facts. Who Dey Nation would prefer only the first fact going forward.

ContactJ. Burrow. He is healthy. He has confirmed he is healthy. He confirmed this last offseason too. The Bengals are monitoring the confirmation carefully.
Lost & Found

Missing: The Playoffs — Last Confirmed Appearance: January 2023

The Bengals have not made the playoffs in three consecutive seasons. They reached back-to-back AFC Championships in 2021 and 2022, the highest point in franchise history. They have not returned to the postseason since. The offense remains elite when Burrow is healthy. The defense has ranked near the bottom of the league for three consecutive seasons. Both of these things have been filed. They are related. The filing confirms they are related.

ContactWho Dey Nation. They were there for the AFC Championship runs. They are still here. They have always been here. They would like to go back in January. January has not responded.
Help Wanted

Defensive Coordinator — Current Holder Retained Despite Historic Rankings

A. Golden is returning for Year 2 after the defense ranked 31st in yards and 30th in points in 2025. Z. Taylor has confirmed there will be no coaching staff changes. The Bengals are expressing confidence in continuity. The defense has not yet expressed confidence in itself. The defense has been given the opportunity to do so in 2026. Who Dey Nation is monitoring the opportunity closely. The opportunity ranked 31st last year. This year’s opportunity begins in September.

ContactZ. Taylor. He retained A. Golden. He retained the full staff. He is confident. He has been confident before. He has also been on the hot seat before. Both are currently true simultaneously.
Announcement

Official Statement: 2026 Is a Make-or-Break Year and Everyone Is Aware of This

The Cincinnati Bengals announce that Z. Taylor, D. Tobin, and the full coaching staff are returning for 2026. The franchise acknowledges that three consecutive missed playoffs is not the standard. The franchise acknowledges that a healthy Burrow changes the equation. The franchise is confident. The defense has been informed that it must improve. The defense has received the information. The defense’s response is pending.

ContactBengals ownership. They retained Z. Taylor. They retained D. Tobin. They have expressed confidence. The confidence is on the record. The record also shows three missed playoffs. Both are on the record.
For Sale
Expired

The 2021–22 AFC Championship Window — Two Appearances, Zero Rings, Fully Concluded

The Bengals reached back-to-back AFC Championships in 2021 and 2022, the first such run in franchise history. They lost the Super Bowl in 2021 to the Rams on a last-second field goal. They lost the AFC Championship in 2022. The window produced zero Lombardi Trophies. It is survived by J. Burrow, Ja’Marr Chase, Z. Taylor, and Who Dey Nation, who filled Paycor Stadium for all of it and remain. The window has been filed. The window is closed. The current window is pending.

ContactNo further comment at this time. The window has been filed. The filing required multiple sections. The current window is under development. The defense is aware that the current window requires its participation.
Notice

Attn: AFC North — We Have Burrow and Chase and We Are Not Done

The Cincinnati Bengals formally notify the AFC North that J. Burrow and Ja’Marr Chase remain on the roster and are healthy entering 2026. The Ravens have Lamar Jackson. The Steelers have Rodgers and McCarthy. The Browns have Shedeur Sanders and a new coach. The Bengals have the best receiver in the NFL and a healthy franchise quarterback. The defense has been notified that this combination requires its support. The defense is working on it.

ContactPaycor Stadium. It has hosted some remarkable offenses. It has also hosted a 31st-ranked defense. It is ready for a different combination. Who Dey Nation has confirmed readiness.
Personals

Seeking: One Full Burrow Season — 17 Games, Chase Involved, Defense Optional But Preferred

Who Dey Nation, lifelong, Cincinnati and beyond. Have watched two AFC Championship runs and three consecutive missed playoffs. Have Burrow and Chase. Have always had Burrow and Chase. The problem has consistently been something else. That something else ranked 31st last year. Who Dey Nation has identified the something else. Who Dey Nation is choosing optimism anyway. Who Dey Nation always chooses optimism. It is a character trait at this point.

ContactWho Dey Nation. They are still here. They chose orange and black. They chose wisely on the offense and are patient with the defense. They are always patient. Who Dey.
Obituaries

The 2025 Cincinnati Bengals Season — Record 6–11, Third Straight Missed Playoff

Passed in January 2026, following a 6–11 season in which J. Burrow missed 10 of 17 games. The offense ranked top-ten when he played. The defense ranked 31st regardless. The season is survived by a retained coaching staff, a healthy quarterback, a generational receiver, and Who Dey Nation, who showed up for every game and will continue to show up. In lieu of flowers, please send a functional secondary. The defense has acknowledged the request. Results are pending.

ContactThe defense. It ranked 31st in yards. It ranked 30th in points. It has been retained. It has been informed that 2026 requires a different outcome. It is working on the outcome. Who Dey.

That’s Week Two. The week after that you get this →

Week Three — You Get This
Top Ten List

A full team-specific Top Ten list. Completely deadpan. Treats every item with total journalistic seriousness. The list below is a sample. Yours will be specific to your team’s particular situation, history, and ongoing triumphs and disasters.

Top Ten Things You Can Buy for $24 at Paycor Stadium
  • 10.One domestic beer, purchased in a stadium that has hosted two AFC Championship banners and a defense that ranked 31st in yards allowed.
  • 9.Parking, a tiger-striped walk from the gate, past a mural of Joe Burrow that is contractually obligated to look healthy.
  • 8.An Al Golden nameplate, Year 2 edition, freshly reordered after the first year’s results.
  • 7.Half a plate of Skyline chili, the other half reserved for whichever cornerback finally breaks up a pass.
  • 6.A Zac Taylor hot seat cushion, lightly used, still very warm.
  • 5.One laminated printout of the phrase “when Burrow plays,” for context on why the offense looked fine and the record didn’t.
  • 4.A Ja’Marr Chase highlight reel on loop, silent on the subject of the secondary.
  • 3.A commemorative “31st in Yards Allowed” certificate, suitable for framing next to the AFC Championship banners.
  • 2.Four months of this subscription. Which includes 16 pieces of premium satirical content, a trivia game, classified ads, a children's book, and a staff that has tracked exactly how many times a healthy Joe Burrow has been asked to single-handedly outscore his own defense.
  • 1.Hope, sold tiger-striped, priced to survive a defense that needs it more than anyone.

    • That’s Week Three. Week Four brings this →

    Week Four — You Get This
    Fake eBay Listing

    Seven team-specific fake eBay listings, ready to go every cycle, styled exactly like the real site — photo, description, seller, and current bid. The items are always something your team has misplaced, squandered, or never possessed. Reserve has not been met, and never may be met.

    Vintage Helmet — STRIPED — ‘The Jungle’
    Seller: riverfront_relics
    Condition: Historically Significant
    A classic orange helmet with black tiger stripes. It is scuffed from a time when the team went to Super Bowls in the 1980s. It smells faintly of chili and heartbreak. It is a reminder of what once was.
    $1,988
    current bid
    Medical Knee Brace — USED — ‘The Franchise’
    Seller: paycor_stadium_medical
    Condition: Philosophically Compromised
    A complex, heavily used medical knee brace. It was worn by someone very important to the franchise. It is a terrifying object to look at. We do not want to talk about it anymore. Please take it away.
    $9
    current bid
    Hot Seat Chair — SMOKING — ‘The Taylor Era’
    Seller: mike_brown_office_supply
    Condition: Cautiously Optimistic
    A large office chair that is literally smoking slightly. It belongs to Head Coach Zac Taylor. He has been sitting in it for three straight seasons without a playoff appearance. It is getting very warm.
    $2,026
    current bid
    Vault Door — LOCKED — ‘The Extensions’
    Seller: cincinnati_cap_management
    Condition: Structurally Unsound
    A massive, incredibly heavy-looking vault door that is locked tight. It contains the $161 million for Ja'Marr Chase and the $115 million for Tee Higgins. There is no money left for anyone else. The defense will be played by volunteers.
    $276
    current bid
    Lombardi Trophy Display Case — EMPTY — ‘The Wait’
    Seller: ohio_river_glass
    Condition: Historically Haunted
    A beautiful, custom-built mahogany and glass display case intended for a Lombardi trophy. It has been empty since the franchise was founded. It gathers dust perfectly. We came very close in Super Bowl LVI. 23-20. It still hurts.
    $23
    current bid
    Accounting Ledger — MASSIVE — ‘The Cap Space’
    Seller: duke_tobin_masterclass
    Condition: Excellent
    A massive, complex accounting ledger book bound in leather. It contains the salary cap gymnastics required to keep Joe Burrow, Ja'Marr Chase, and Tee Higgins on the same roster. It glows with an almost supernatural light. It represents hope.
    $161
    current bid
    Can of Skyline Chili — VINTAGE — ‘Who Dey’
    Seller: section_104_survivor
    Condition: Enduringly Loyal
    A vintage can of Skyline Chili. It is unopened but clearly very old and dented. It has been saved for a special occasion that has not yet arrived. It is heavier than it looks. It is a symbol of our endurance.
    $513
    current bid

    That’s Week Four. Then comes this →

    Week Five — You Get This
    The Outer Limits Enquirer

    One team-specific Outer Limits Enquirer front page, every cycle. Completely straight-faced. It sells itself — that’s how funny it is.

    ■ Transmission Received — Parallel Universe Dispatch ■
    Outer Limits Enquirer — Bengals edition front page
    Signal Strong — Standing By

    That’s Week Five. Week Six delivers this →

    Week Six — You Get This
    NFL Competition Committee Proposes

    Four new proposed NFL rules, each presented with complete regulatory seriousness. The title is always “THE NFL COMPETITION COMMITTEE PROPOSES:” followed by the rule name. Three to five sentences of deadpan satire. A new batch of four rules, every seven-week cycle.

    Official Proposal 1 of 4 — NFL Competition Committee — 2026 Season

    The NFL Competition Committee Proposes:
    The Feelings Rule

    Effective immediately, any player who is visibly sad after a penalty will be allowed to challenge the call on emotional grounds. The replay official will review the player’s expression in slow motion. If certified “genuinely devastated” by a panel of three therapists stationed in the press box, the penalty is waived. The Dallas Cowboys have already filed 847 pre-season challenges.

    Official Proposal 2 of 4 — NFL Competition Committee — 2026 Season

    The NFL Competition Committee Proposes:
    Mandatory Honesty From Coaches

    Starting in 2026, head coaches will be required to answer one post-game question with complete honesty. The question will be selected at random by a wheel spin. Early testing was abandoned after three coaches resigned, one cried, and Bill Belichick’s honest answer was legally classified as a threat.

    Official Proposal 3 of 4 — NFL Competition Committee — 2026 Season

    The NFL Competition Committee Proposes:
    The Participation Fumble

    In an effort to make fumbles less discouraging, any fumble recovered by the opposing team will now be referred to as an “unintentional lateral.” The player who fumbled will receive a certificate of effort. The team that recovered it will receive six points. Both outcomes will be celebrated equally on the official broadcast.

    Official Proposal 4 of 4 — NFL Competition Committee — 2026 Season

    The NFL Competition Committee Proposes:
    Announcer Accuracy Ratings

    All play-by-play announcers will now be graded in real time by a panel of former players. Phrases such as “he just wanted it more,” “that’s a football player right there,” and “you cannot teach that” will trigger an automatic fine of $500 per occurrence. Early projections suggest the league will be debt-free by Week 3.

    That’s Week Six. And saving the best for last →

    Week Seven — You Get This
    The Children’s Book
    A Landolfi Media Original

    A fully illustrated satirical children’s book, team-specific, written for the fan who has a child who needs to understand why Sunday afternoons are like this. The illustrations are beautiful. The subject matter is not. Both things are intentional.

    Your Team’s Complete Illustrated History — Included With Every Subscription
    “Cincinnati, 1968”
    The Story of the Cincinnati Bengals — Read the Full Book Below, Cover to Last Page
    Cincinnati, 1968 — page viewer
    Cincinnati, 1968
    The Story of the Cincinnati Bengals.
    A Landolfi Media Children’s Book.
    Page 1 of 11
    Complete Illustrated History · Cover + 10 Pages · Included With Paid Subscription

    In the upcoming weeks and months with your paid subscription, you can also look forward to titles like these:

    Also In Development — Next Release
    “Why Does Daddy Cry On Sundays?”
    A heartwarming story about a father, his team, and the annual tradition of explaining to a seven-year-old why the season is technically over in Week Eleven. Daddy is going to be okay. He has been through this before. He loves his team. That is the whole story.
    In Development · Fully Illustrated · Coming Soon
    Also In Development
    “Daddy’s Team Is Very Special (Just Not At Football)”
    A celebration of everything a football team can be excellent at besides winning football games. The uniforms are nice. The stadium is large. The merchandise is widely available. A story about finding joy in the details when the scoreboard is unkind.
    In Development · Fully Illustrated · Coming Soon
    Also In Development
    “The Night We Almost Made the Playoffs”
    A timeless bedtime story about a very special evening in December when everything was possible. The math worked out. The other teams lost. The tickets were being researched. And then the fourth quarter happened. A story about hope, arithmetic, and the importance of not checking the score too early.
    In Development · Fully Illustrated · Coming Soon

    What Subscribers Are Saying

    “I forwarded the 31st-ranked-defense classified to my brother-in-law, a Steelers fan. He sent back a single laughing emoji. I have not forgiven him.”
    — D. Osei, Over-the-Rhine · 4-Month Subscriber
    “My tailgate has a rule: no discussing the secondary before kickoff. This newsletter is the only thing allowed to break the rule.”
    — T. Fitch, Mount Adams · 5-Month Subscriber
    “The trivia card about the two AFC Championships made my dad cry a little. Happy tears, I think. Hard to tell with Bengals fans anymore.”
    — Anonymous · 6-Month Subscriber
    “My kids now know what ‘dead cap’ means because of the Vault Door listing. I’m not sure that’s appropriate for a nine-year-old but here we are.”
    — R. Palmer, Hyde Park · 3-Month Subscriber
    “Cancelled after the sixth loss. Resubscribed after Burrow came back healthy. Who Dey Nation doesn’t quit and apparently neither do I.”
    — Anonymous · Auto-Renew, No Regrets
    “I keep every classified in a folder labeled ‘Evidence for the Defensive Coordinator.’ He has not requested to see it.”
    — L. Kearney, Covington, Ky. · 7-Month Subscriber
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    Everything in Free, plus full daily articles and one new Bonus Content drop every week on a rotating seven-week cycle — a fan trivia game, a fake eBay auction, classified ads, The Outer Limits Enquirer, a children’s book parody, a Top Ten List, and an NFL Competition Committee ruling — for all 32 NFL teams in the network, the Bengals included. Plus the complete archive, for every team, from day one.

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    $9 per month…just 30 cents / day. That works out to be 3 dimes exactly, or a quarter and a nickel. And it is no longer just one team — that 30 cents covers full articles and Bonus Content for all 32 NFL teams in the network. We are asking you to spend the cost of approximately nothing to have your suffering (and everyone else’s) witnessed, documented, and returned to you in a funnier format than it arrived.

    Other Things You Could Buy for 30¢
    ( If For Some Reason You Really and Truly Didn’t Want to Laugh Today )

    1. A quarter at a vending machine, with a nickel left over. That nickel is yours to keep. It is the only refund this list offers.
    2. Just under a third of a gumball from a machine that still exists somewhere in 1987.
    3. The look on someone’s face when you tell them you subscribe to a satirical NFL newsletter that covers all 32 teams. That look is free. The newsletter is 30 cents a day.
    4. A little over a third of a postage stamp. Stamps are about 80¢ now. Your 30¢ covers roughly the top third. This is not enough to mail anything to anyone. This subscription delivers considerably more — for every NFL team.
    5. About three-quarters of a birthday candle. The kind from the dollar store 10-pack. It will burn for a little over a minute. This subscription burns considerably longer, covers every NFL team, and produces significantly more joy and marginally less wax.
    6. 0.00002% of your team’s starting quarterback’s daily salary. He earns more between breakfast and the first snap than you will spend on this subscription in a year. This year that figure also covers 31 other starting quarterbacks’ teams. We thought you should know that. We are not sure why. It felt relevant.
    7. Nothing at a parking meter in any American city built after 1990. The meter will reject your 30 cents. We will not reject your 30 cents. We will give you seven weeks of content for it — for every NFL team.
    8. A shot glass of gasoline, which might be just enough to get you to an ATM to take out $9 for your first month of All-Access. The math works. The metaphor also works. Please do not drink the gasoline.

    Hey — you’ve made it this far. You’ve looked at all seven weeks of bonus content you’ll be receiving — for all 32 NFL teams, not just this one. You’ve also seen that you’ll be getting daily, full-length headline articles from the entire network — every side article, too. Obviously you love your team with a passion to have lasted this long and smiled this much.

    Yep. We can see you.

    There’s nothing left to do but spend the 30¢ / day and have this feeling — for every NFL team — last the whole year through.

    I mean really — what more is there to think about? Do you want to smile today (and every day) or not?

    “By subscribing you acknowledge that you are a fan in good standing, that you have suffered, that you will continue to suffer, and that $9 per month is a reasonable fee for having that suffering — and the suffering of 31 other NFL fanbases — witnessed and documented with the respect it deserves. Cancel anytime. Your team will not cancel anything. Neither will the other 31. They will all be here next season. And the season after that.”

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